November Monologue
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Contemplative |
i left my job at [REDACTED] yesterday. worth it tbfh. it was more stressful working at the psych ward, which is pretty sad... speaking of the psych ward, i really hope those kids are doing alright.. i think about them often and where they might be now. i miss working there at times. i think working at [REDACTED] was incredibly detrimental to my mental health; 60-70 hours a week, dealing with the human equivalent of pond-scum def took a toll. lmfao i sound like a pompous ass... i'm going to try to make one diary entry per day. let's see how that pans out. 
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Dissociative |
didn't go outside today. oops... glad i at least stuck to another day of journaling, no matter how boring it may come across. everything seems so far away today. people and objects. i think stream of consciousness (sp?{i'm an awful speller}) writing would serve me best, as i tend to censor my emotions and thoughts and thats a habit i'd like to break; at least on my website i miss my family & Florida quite a bit. bye for now i guess. 
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Listless |
i went outside today, but only to get liquor. didnt really think to look up at the sky. google says it's 56°F and mostly cloudy, which seems about right. i feel more and more like im slipping away. nothing seems familiar about myself and i think i should be worried about it.. gonna get drunk and play rdr2 :3c what a miserable life to lead.. i need to change my internal-monolouge. something, something, "stupid is as stupid does" its getting dark out fast. thats one big different i noticed about here, compared to Florida. 
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Dissociative |
woke up fairly early and saw it was snowing. i dont think its snowing at the time of writing this, but its nice to know that winter is just around the corner. i have nothing of interest to say at the moment, so i'll prob try to update today's entry as it goes on. things and people still feel unreal today. i think 'waking dream' would be a better descriptor phrase, but i dunno if that makes sense.. i've been so sleepy since i quit my job at [REDACTED]. i think my body needed to catch up on all the rest i missed out on while working there. that combined with me drinking more than usual doesnt help lmfao. i never played rdr2 yesterday, i played a fishing game and watched [REDACTED].live for the majority of the day. . . . more than 3 hours have passed and ive still havent done anything but defrost some chicken. i cooked and took a nap :3c how boring... 
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Introspective |
the interviewer was really nice and feel like we had a really nice conversation/interview. dont wanna get my hopes up, but the start date would be towards the end of november, would make it a tight squeeze to get all my bills paid on time, but i think it may be worth it. it started snowing right as i walked outside to catch my uber. that feels auspicious i wrote in my journal too while on the bus! (my physical one) i feel like i need to cleanse the journal. it has icky vibes from using it as a work journal for my old job... this is what it said: "Sometimes I wonder what impression i give off to strangers.. what version of me lives in their minds?" im at least 96% sure i heard that somewhere before writing it, but i feel like its a pretty apt way to describe the thought-loop my subconscious has been enamoured with. im pretty happy with this entry. i need to stop isolating, its clear it doesnt help me; cognitively or spiritually. journaling seems to help me keep track of days too. they arent slipping from my memory as fast. 
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Inquisitive/Elated |
like *actually* snowing!!!!!! i feel like gloomy and cold days always make me feel comforted/happy, especially when it would rain in florida. but this kind of weather is especially different, the cold sparks some sort of primordial joy in me !!! more to follow later, its only like, 1pm as of writing this, ↧↧↧ but in the meanwhile, enjoy some photos i took! ↧↧↧s 
(excuse the cat hair on my sleeve) 
(a tree in front of my apartment complex.. a squirrel used to live here that i fed fairly often.) 
(the stairs directly outside of my door (i live on the 3rd floor)) i dont think i can ever truly love my mother.. but i dont think i could ever truly hate her either. what a random thought... i think human beings are a lot like snowflakes. 
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Befuddled |
went to pick up my final check from [REDACTED], and what an odd experience. nobody spoke to me after walking in and asking for it, then my former supervisor accused me of tagging the store (i had drawn in chalk marker with prior permission on a door-frame, on camera) i can't be too angry knowing what she's been through in her life, and i did kinda just walk out lmfao. apparently she has some kind of felony involving a dead child, an abusive relationship, and potentially drugs. honestly, it doesnt bother me anymore, having been home for a bit. i still wish everyone there the best. i almost busted my ass about 12 times on the way there and back from the slush & ice on the sidewalk. it was probably pretty funny from an outsider's perspective. i feel a bit spacey again today, but writing (typing, ig) makes me feel a bit more grounded/tethered than i would if i didn't. maybe more to follow who knows! 
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Spacey |
today is a slow day today. not that that's a bad thing. there's also a snow storm coming tonight, so I'm trying to download as much music and tv as possible in case i get snowed in. (i stocked up on food, water, liquor, etc already. i think im suppose to let the faucets drip too...) today feels sluggish, like molasses. though every time i look at the clock, it seems to leap forward by a couple hours. 
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Disappointed |
really disappointed that i didn't do an entry for yesterday, but on the bright side, at least i'm making an entry now! honestly, yesterday was absolutely devoid of anything of note or interest. i just binged watched [REDACTED].live and played Baldur's Gate 3 during down times on the stream. nothing of note learned either.. but that's neither here nor there. my goal today is to learn 2 new things, to make up for yesterday (and clean up the apartment a bit) today's vibe feels like 'Linger' by the Cranberries. its disgustingly hot out today as well.. all the snow has already melted away. 
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Lost |
i don't understand how it's already the 11th. time is slipping away from me again, but at a more rapid pace than normal. head is empty today, maybe that's why i'm talking like some sort of mutant freak. short entry is better than no entry. 
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